11|4|26Hey, Gem. Zhara here, and I’m back with another one.
Let’s jump into it.
Who Knows When You’re Not Okay? x Zhara. J.
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There was a season when I measured love by who called, remembered important dates, and showed up when life gave me something worth celebrating. Yeah, see, mentally, I kept a record, even when I pretended I didn’t. But then, one evening, after answering several messages with the same polished version of “I’m fine,” a friend called and skipped the small talk.
“You don’t sound like yourself,” she said, calling me out.
I almost laughed it off. The words were already waiting: I’m just tired. Work has been a lot. I’ll be okay. None were lies, but together they kept the truth at a safe distance. I was overwhelmed and afraid that if I opened the door even slightly, everything behind it would fall into the room.
She did not rush me, though. She stayed on the phone with me, hearing me out and letting me express myself the best way I knew how, theatrics included. Gem, some people know the details of our lives. A smaller number know the sound of us trying to hide inside them.
Many of us have spent years becoming readable only when we want to be. We enter rooms balancing grief amid everything else needed of us. Strength becomes so convincing that people stop looking beyond it. I know how it is!
I am still learning to hold myself accountable. I realize that I cannot long to be deeply known while offering every trustworthy person an edited version of me. I cannot resent someone for accepting surface-level answers when I have trained myself to make it sound complete. Not everyone has earned access to our tender places, no. But when someone has repeatedly handled our truth with care, shutting them out can prevent the friendship from becoming what we keep praying for.
Gratitude has become part of this lesson for me. It helps us recognize what is already in front of us and who is already loving us, even as we are still waiting for more.
It’s easy to focus on the call that never came and overlook the person who has called three times. We can become so preoccupied with wanting someone to understand us perfectly that we miss the friend who is learning our language with every conversation. We may pray for deeper community while leaving thoughtful messages unanswered, postponing plans indefinitely, or assuming the women who always show up already know how much they mean. They deserve to hear it.
A review of sixty-four randomized trials associated gratitude practices with greater life satisfaction and better mental health, although researchers cautioned that much of the evidence was of low certainty and many studies carried a high risk of bias. Gratitude is not a cure or another way to deny pain. At its healthiest, it helps us pay attention. Wanting more does not require neglecting what is already good.
Stewarding love well can be as simple as returning the care when the strong friend gets quiet, remembering what they trusted us with, or making time for the relationship before a crisis forces time open. It’s also allowing people to be human instead of expecting them to anticipate every need.
I still want more for my life, Gem: more tenderness, more community, and more relationships where care is reciprocated, no begging necessary. Gratitude has not made those desires disappear, but they make me more responsible for the love already in my hands. Now, when a trusted friend asks how I am, I try to pause before giving the answer that requires the least from both of us. Some days, “I’m fine” is true. On other days, the braver answer has depth. The people who love us cannot rescue us from every difficult season. Still, there is a sacredness to being known well enough that someone recognizes when our silence has changed, and to becoming that kind of safe place for them.
May these words find a home in your heart. ♡
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If this reflection brought a woman to mind, share it with her, and tell her what her care has meant before another season passes.
Until next time, thank you for allowing us to walk beside you through every season. May you treasure the women who can hear what your strength does not say, and may you offer them the same loving attention in return. — Zhara. J.
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