Holiday Blues x Shanice

★

Is it me, or does the holiday season have a way of amplifying what already hurts?

I’ve been struggling and growing through the motions. And I’m here to touch on a small part of it. Nothing too deep today.

For some, this season is typically full of laughter, matching pajamas, and traditions that feel safe and familiar, surrounded by family and friends. For others, it is quieter. Much, much quieter. Lonely, too. It’s heavier and marked by distance, estrangement, and complicated grief. And sometimes, that grief comes with choosing yourself over toxic family dynamics.

If you are navigating the holidays without the family you came from, I understand, and I see you.

Estrangement carries a unique grief. You are mourning people who are still alive, grieving what never was, what should have been, and what you hoped might someday change.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman, who specializes in family estrangement, explains that estranged adults often experience recurring waves of grief, especially during milestone moments like holidays, weddings, and birthdays. These moments reopen the loss because they highlight what is missing, not just who is missing (Coleman, 2020).

During the holidays, that grief can feel relentless.

Protect your mind more than ever during this time, Gem. Too much social media does not help. It is hard to sit with your own loneliness while scrolling past smiling family photos, crowded tables, and traditions passed down through generations.

Research from the American Psychological Association shows that social comparison during the holidays can intensify feelings of isolation, sadness, and inadequacy, particularly for individuals already coping with grief or strained family relationships (APA, 2019).

It can make you question your choices, even when you know they were necessary.

This is when you have to remember what’s vital for you, which is… protecting your peace does not make you cold, setting boundaries does not make you ungrateful, and choosing distance from harm does not make you unlovable. That’s just the bottom line.

Many people who are estranged from family did not leave lightly. They left after years of emotional harm, unmet needs, dismissal, or abuse.

Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab reminds us that estrangement is often the result of repeated boundary violations, not a single disagreement. In her work on boundaries, she emphasizes that distance is sometimes the healthiest option when respect is consistently absent (Tawwab, 2021).

Missing someone does not mean they were safe for you, just like grieving does not mean you made the wrong choice. Both can coexist. One of the hardest parts of estrangement is realizing you have to reimagine the holidays. There is no script for this. Just trial, error, and tenderness.

We should create traditions that feel gentle instead of triggering, which could look like: spending the holiday with chosen family or trusted friends. Volunteering, traveling, resting, or opting out entirely. Cooking one meaningful dish instead of a full spread, or lighting a candle for what you lost and honoring it without shame, etc.

There are so many better options than sulking about things out of our control.

According to the Mayo Clinic, creating new rituals after loss can help ground the nervous system and restore a sense of control and meaning, especially during emotionally charged seasons like the holidays (Mayo Clinic, 2022).

Your traditions do not need to look like anyone else’s to be valid.

Healing during the holidays often means allowing yourself to feel what comes up without rushing to fix it. The motions are inevitable, and I’ve learned the hard way that we cannot escape them. Through it all, let’s stay hopeful that one day, the holidays will feel softer.

★

Gem, share this blog with someone navigating the holidays without the family they hoped for. Let this be a reminder that choosing peace over unbalanced, manipulative, or toxic proximity is still an act of love.

Until next time, I’m sending you softness for the hard moments and strength for the boundaries you’ve chosen. Thank you for rocking with us at SheIsTreasure. -Shanice

Have you checked out SheIsTreasure’s Pinterest Board yet? We think you should. ♡

Interested in contributing a blog to SheIsTreasure? Our Write for Us Section has all the information you need.

Want to collaborate, sponsor, or grow with us? Visit our Partner With Us page to explore opportunities.

Love what you’re reading? Don’t miss the deeper reflections, behind-the-scenes thoughts, and exclusive content—subscribe to our Substack. ♡